Rich Pauper, Poor Prince... And some other stuff 2:49 AM

BEFORE YOU READ!!!

Open a new tab. Go to http://soulill.bandcamp.com . Click the picture of the man with the baby. Click the play icon for the first track... and then come back here and continue reading.

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A new blog. A new day.
Things have been rough, but I'm feeling better.
I'm jobless, going on 1 solid month. Late on rent.
But I'm feeling better.
Maybe I have a false sense of "better," that is dependent on my twisted perception of "success."

Or, maybe things are getting better.

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Tonight, I was a featured guest on http://kouvradio.com. My new single (http://soulill.bandcamp.com) got some play. I got to freestyle with a couple emcees live on interweb radio. We had something like 15 for sure listeners.

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When I finished mixing "Rich Pauper, Poor Prince," I wasn't all that impressed. After I showed it to a couple musician friends, and after they complimented the mix, I was suddenly aware that I had really done a decent job. I became so eager to release this new marvel. I wanted the world to bear witness. And it's probably a good thing I got a little hype around it. It's motivated me to push forward with this so-called passion of mine. This: music.

And I still have doubts. I wonder if I will get up to two sales by next week. It's only $2 and you can get the instrumental with it. If it's really that good (which I keep hearing...) that should be no problem, right? I don't really know.

My ego kicks in, and I have this wrestling match inside. "I could have done better." "These people are just my friends. That's why they say it's good." "What's wrong with people? Why hasn't anyone bought this?" "What kind of friends do I even have?" And it gets worse.

And then, even as I'm typing, I realize how little that stuff matters. I started this because I wanted to spread the Truth. And i wanted to do it in a way that was accessible. I wanted to be just me, open, vulnerable, and real; and hopefully convince some people to see Jesus. If not in me, then through me. Or even around me. Or vastly far away from me. But, hopefully, to see Him nonetheless. To see Him as He really is, and not as I imagine to know Him.

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It felt good to get that out.

Maybe I'm feeling better because I see my wife and I actually working on our relationship... consciously, and actively. Maybe things really are better.

I keep fighting the idea that it's all just a show we're putting on to avoid dealing with some ugly so-called truth about our relationship. This repulsive idea that we are wasting each other's time or that we're wasting our own. It's a substantial portion of the giant looming shadow over my shoulder.

I sometimes wonder what would happen if I turned a MAG-LITE on that shadow. If I could shine a huge light into it, what part of it would be real, and what part would vanish?

My honest guess is that most of it would be gone with even the smallest LED. Even one that was only lit at half it's potential.

Why do I box with my shadows? Why not hit the light switch on? Selah.

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I've got the word out to about 20 different blog sites. I read a tweet from Lisa Davis (some A&R I follow on Twitter) that said an artist should get their music out to at least 100 blogs. And then, expect about 10-20 of them to cover it.

Whew!

Makes me think I should get a publicist.

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I'm pretty excited for what's around the bend. With family. With music... I don't see much hope in my relationship with God. But, I feel something changing... And I'm holding on, even to what I can't see.

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Right now, some drunken fool is "hoo hooooooing" outside. I'd like to borrow his voice box for a few hours. Maybe accidentally lose it somewhere.

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I'm off to catch the MAX train in about 3.5 hours. The diapers just finished drying, so I can put my dirties in and take a shower before I nap. The wife let me know a while ago that I won't be getting one on the train.

We have a WEEZER CONCERT TO GO TO TOMORROW! I hope I can maintain for the night! I'm pretty stoked about this. We might try to go dressed as Buddy Holly and Mary Tyler Moore. Depends if we can find her a good shirt and figure out what I should wear, too.

Ahhh... my head is ready for the pillow.

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I hope my scattered blogs provide some entertainment for you readers. Welcome to my thoughts translated via keystroke. I hope your ____ goes well.

Let me know how you like Rich Pauper, Poor Prince!

Mania, Misjudgement, and Palabras Malas 5:52 AM

So, this is what it looks like to be manic. The idea that I could have such an issue never crossed my mind until about half an hour ago. But so much of my life and my struggle makes sense to me now.

(Quoted from Wikipedia):
A manic episode is defined in the American Psychiatric Association's diagnostic manual as a period of seven or more days (or any period if admission to hospital is required) of unusually and continuously effusive and open elated or irritable mood, where the mood is not caused by drugs or a medical illness (e.g., hyperthyroidism), and (a) is causing obvious difficulties at work or in social relationships and activities, or (b) requires admission to hospital to protect the person or others, or (c) the person is suffering psychosis.[9]

How do I die to this? I've been awake for almost 44 hours with only brief nap times in between. I've been distracted since I can remember. I make messes so quickly and easily, you would think I was an animal-- lacking the cognitive ability to conceive the consequences of my disregard for proper placement and care of items of value. I leave shit around and I don't take care of things, even things that are special to me.

I find my emotions are often exaggerated. I'm either in a great mood (more likely with strangers), or I'm finding myself irritated (with loved ones) and unable to pinpoint why. Sure, I know what I find frustrating, but why do I let it bother me so?

I've lost so much weight in the last few months.

I've gone on self-pleasing binges with cigarettes, and alcohol, and weed, and porn.

My relationship with my wife is looking hopeless-- completely destroyed by decisions I've made in the past, and my lack of ability to meet her where she's at. I'm often so busy judging her for being so self-seeking, that I miss my own narcissistic tendency (at least at the time).

I want to rap. I have so many grandiose ideas of how I will impact with the world with this amazing gift that god has given me. I never follow through, though. I'm sitting on songs that are over 2 years old. I get new ideas, bigger ideas, all the time. They are piled in a stack of what I haven't achieved. And that feeling. I have completely fostered that feeling of vague importance mixed with disappointment. And that feeling has kept me from my family, my friends, and the people I love.

And I'm so tired it seems like my brain is literally made of Jell-O. My head hurts. And I can physically feel this dull, wobbly sensation in the center of my skull, but I can't tell if it's my soul or my body.

And it's like I'm fighting it. It's like my defenses are confused, and my troops have turned to friendly fire for lack of understanding the enemy. So I fight the feeling of tired. And I fight the knowledge of necessity for rest. And I press on.

And I could sit here and try to conjure up some bold and insightful meaning or reason why I'm so desperately self-destructive. But upon have received such a vision into my own neuropsychology, I realize that no dreamt-up self-diagnosis would alleviate my own curiosity or dissatisfaction with my current state.

This I know: I am sick.

I have to try to close my eyes before the sun comes up and the traffic starts clamoring outside my main-road, bedroom window. I need to try to find sleep. Imaginably, I will receive phone calls in the next few hours, prompting me to arise and face the day.

----

On a completely other topic: I am capable of thinking and writing this way. I'm not being insincere. This is genuine and authentic AP shit right here.

As was my letter to my "friends" after many months of having their backs turned on me because of my sin against  another friend. I was charged with not being real in my letter. I was told that it didn't sound like me.

And while I realized later that there was a discrepancy with some terminology I used regarding my sin and the nature thereof, I am still struggling to forgive those people who so Christlessly rejected me in my time of need.

And this issue came up because I write this blog, these raps, poems, and even that letter from an informed, intellectual, and broken state. Sometimes enlightened, but often slightly fucked. And I don't see how  (no matter what my sin) someone could claim that a work of words, extending from an artist who struggles to comprehend and actualize the value  and meaning and purpose of words, could be so misjudged.

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I said the word fuck. I don't care about your man-made-road-to-holiness anymore. After trying to walk down that road, it's a wonder I even care to walk at all.

I don't love you right now. Any of you. And that's just damned honesty. And that's just poetic irony.

Thanks for reading. I feel like swearing a lot, and it's getting brighter. Probably time to call it.

-=soul.ILL=-

August 6th, 2011
5:54 am
(time of post)

Notes in My Journal... 1:43 AM

I'm not going to explain. Just want to share where I'm at. Comments disabled on this one, too. If you want to talk to me about it, you can email or facebook me. Love you as much as I know how...

-=AP=-

Rich Pauper, Poor Prince 1:40 AM

Some new lyrics in the works...

I find /beauty in the little inconsistencies in life
_ no hesitations got me up late nights
_ I shed a tear because the struggle got me here
and with/out it, I wonder what I might be like

_ some type of lifeless, loveless mess
hand /caught on the temptress' dress, I digress
_ but it's about time to free that mind
mean that rhyme and be that shine, so one time


I'll be the /_ rich pauper _ the poor prince
and if the /shoe fits, I'll probably cop it soon as I can pay rent
_ collect the payment at the end of my day
and praise /God because He made me this way





and it's a /struggle .,. I got a lot I want to say
sounds of /silence got em talking away, "it's okay"
_so try to play me like a broken Nintendo
it /won't work .,. no matter how how dope these men blow

See me at the show and say hello, nod a head at me, fel/low
and we can meet up on the sidewalk and flow
try talking slow, but my jargons quick
and thick like asphalt, hot making it stick

_ pockets full of lent _ rockets heaven bound
_ jot the betterment _ God sent, leather bound
_ not significant _ I'm not better now
_ got the rhythm it's magnificent whatever sound

_ off and on, _ lost and gone
_ found in town pounding mountains down to lawns
_ surrounding pawns _ flanking fakes
_ the clowns are wrong so I _raise the stakes


To be the/_ rich pauper _ the poor prince
and if the /shoe fits, I'll probably cop it soon as I can pay rent
_ collect the payment at the end of my day
and praise /God because He made me this way



_ Who got the right to first refuse it in this music
listen /cool kids I ain't stupid, I improve with time and prove it
rhyming /fluent climbing through it till I'm standing on the top
_ a new year, and you can't wait to hear the bomb drop

_ so who's dropping the ball, I'm still on top of it all
_ rhyming more proper than ya'll finding on top at the mall
_ still you coppin them all, flailing and floppin
in fall/ fashion .,. yo is that what you call smashin?

_ I'm all passion, and blastin the fiberglass
like cars /crashing from driving too fast, you find the rhyme and you laugh
_ It's prime time that you ask and do math,
cuz you /rapping is a flag at half mast, true dat

_ with boom bap, yo who's that they say he need
a new /hat and yo his shoes are too old but he's cold
when he flaps jaw raps he haw you play the ass
crack a /joke and stay literate, ill and plus legitimate

_ you get it yet? it's a sentence for life
run /on and tell that, and autotune your new life
_ you do right, I do like I know best
and praise /God I got a treasure in my chest, aw yes


I'll be the /_ rich pauper _ the poor prince
and if the /shoe fits, I'll probably cop it soon as I can pay rent
_ collect the payment at the end of my day
and praise /God because He made me this way




_ so what's my net worth? unknown and unheard
repping open microphone sessions still blessin with
One /Word, One Truth, One Life, One Way
one /Lover of my soul, ill so no other would stay

_ "no wonder he sways when the wind blows," they say
"come on over here and learn to walk this way, " but wait
You oppress the poor with your political support
and beg to differ claiming morals got you doing it some more

_ see I'm all for Life like no other
_ I think a solid family's one father and one mother
_ but when you start talking political your story gets
pre/dictable and ripped with holes you tore in your own brothers

_ give more to the poor, or watch the welfare rates soar
ex/tend arms to the woman your law labeled a whore
love labor is giving birth to old truth for new life
and /many want to sing the song, so few that get the tune right


To be the /_ rich pauper _ the poor prince
and if the /shoe fits, I'll probably cop it soon as I can pay rent
_ collect the payment at the end of my day
and praise /God because He made me this way

Better; then God. 11:54 PM

Another hard night. I found myself weeping, shaking the bed. I've been unable to get a decent night's sleep for some nights now. Tonight, as I was bawling, I could see my own anger.

This is not anything new to me. God's been working on anger in my heart for a long time. I have lots of stories of ways that God has addressed my anger, and taught me about love and forgiveness. WHY DOES IT KEEP COMING UP? Must not be a done deal yet.

Tonight, it was like I saw all these short, silent video clips portraying different hurts and my negative reactions to those pains. It felt like someone or something was pulling on my (emotional) heart through the center of my (physical) chest, and almost lifting me off the bed.

This is a little hard to describe, and I'm probably a little scattered (it's my Nth night in a row staying up so late... 1:44am now), but I'll give it a try.

In the last week I have felt so much sorrow. It's like digging deep and hitting some wellspring that seems to overflow! I haven't ever felt sorrow so intense as I have in recent days. I have spent hours weeping over things I had forgotten, and turning them over to God soon thereafter. Then, walking out of the bathroom (where I was weeping), I walked right into an argument with my wife (that I may have started). This seemed to lead me right back to a place of intense sorrow.

I have also experienced anger on levels that have me a little concerned. I have even envisioned myself beating a person (that I have known a very long time and love) black and blue in the face-- just to let them know how angry I am. In my split-second fantasy, I felt no remorse! That scared me tonight to the point of facing my anger, and telling God how powerless I feel against it. I started to confess that I think I know better than God how things ought to be.

I still couldn't sleep, and every few minutes the first stanza of this poem repeated in my head. 

So I wrote it, in hopes to find some rest. I hope you enjoy (if you read it at all).


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"Better; then God."

I,
you,
he and she,
they, and
we all think we know better;
then God.

Maybe
if all stuff would change, go
according to my likes,
and stop challenging my every inkling;

maybe
if I would surrender,
cease fighting your preference,
and follow your thinking;

maybe
if people were like you
and I, would refuse their selfish ways
to try another vantage;

maybe
if all there was to do
was have our way always;
then God would figure it out.

We know better.
At least,
we ought to.

Surely
my tastes will change,
as well as my thoughts;

my will will wane
while your tastes change
like our thoughts;

people are all ready,
like us, for someone
to see it through their eyes;

our way always
would find us surprised...

...then,
God.

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LOVE.
-Ape-

P.S.
If you enjoy reading my blog, why not subscribe and/or tell a friend? I love you even if you don't. :)

Binary Polarity 12:31 AM

Tonight, I'm having the hardest time falling asleep. Again.

It's funny how right we think we are until we're all alone. Side by side.

Everyone's got their feelings mixed up in the matter! It's like maybe if we could just stop feeling, we could all be right. That's probably the most true thing I've said all night. If we could all be right, I don't think anyone would have anymore feelings.

Ashley,
I love you. I'm sorry for acting calloused and hardened towards you. I want to learn how to be more considerate of you, especially while you're not feeling well. Especially since I'm the one who "got you sick." (I hope that made you chuckle) I'm going to keep trying. I'm going to surrender myself to the Holy Spirit and commit to praying for you even when I'm feeling pissy. I did that tonight, and look... I ended up writing this poem. I love you. Did I say that yet? I do. I can't wait until we get to see the fruit of this uncomfortable season in our lives! Regarding all aspects, I think and hope we will say, "IT WAS WORTH IT!"

I love you.


With no further ado:

Binary Polarity

We are asymmetrical
heart-shaped magnets,
scratched on all sides from rubbing each other the wrong way,
and sometimes the right.

We both are positive and negative,
both negatively positive, and positively negative;
forceful by nature,
natural by force.

We dance each other heart into our arms
where thrusts follow slightest turns,
and in(between the pulls) we push;
both spinning nearly,
out of all control
and as though our gravities were rapidly flippant;
colliding and repelling,
finally settling into this familiar tension.

Here,
if I didn't know your shape so well
(each ventricle,
each cell,
all your angles,
seams, and smells),
I say,
I could still feel your magnetism pushing me away,
and pulling me in.

Walk It Out - Inner Sessions single OUT NOW!!! 2:21 PM

Good hip-hop starts from within. It’s conceived and birthed out of the desire to communicate thoughts, actions, and beliefs from one’s self to the world. Aaron Paul and BillyBo formed Inner Sessions to do just that with raw hip-hop production by group member Aaron Paul aka zKx1000 (Side A) and regular collaborator Johnny Bishop (Side B). Inner Sessions are now releasing their first single from the "Inner Seed" LP. "Walk It Out" features the original, remix, acapella and instrumental versions. "Intercede" from the album is added as a bonus track.

Inner Sessions - Walk It Out (Single)

1. Walk It Out (Original) - produced by zKx1000
2. Walk It Out (Believer's Serenade) - produced by Johnny Bishop & Danny Dowd
3. Walk It Out (Original Instrumental) - produced by zKx1000
4. Walk It Out (Believer's Serenade Instrumental) - produced by Johnny Bishop & Danny Dowd
5. Walk It Out (acapella)
6. Intercede - produced by zKx1000

Download here:
http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?gfnzzjymzky

Order "Inner Seed" at the Sphere of Hip-Hop Store:
http://sphereofhiphop.myshopify.com/products/inner-sessions-inner-seed