Better; then God.

Another hard night. I found myself weeping, shaking the bed. I've been unable to get a decent night's sleep for some nights now. Tonight, as I was bawling, I could see my own anger.

This is not anything new to me. God's been working on anger in my heart for a long time. I have lots of stories of ways that God has addressed my anger, and taught me about love and forgiveness. WHY DOES IT KEEP COMING UP? Must not be a done deal yet.

Tonight, it was like I saw all these short, silent video clips portraying different hurts and my negative reactions to those pains. It felt like someone or something was pulling on my (emotional) heart through the center of my (physical) chest, and almost lifting me off the bed.

This is a little hard to describe, and I'm probably a little scattered (it's my Nth night in a row staying up so late... 1:44am now), but I'll give it a try.

In the last week I have felt so much sorrow. It's like digging deep and hitting some wellspring that seems to overflow! I haven't ever felt sorrow so intense as I have in recent days. I have spent hours weeping over things I had forgotten, and turning them over to God soon thereafter. Then, walking out of the bathroom (where I was weeping), I walked right into an argument with my wife (that I may have started). This seemed to lead me right back to a place of intense sorrow.

I have also experienced anger on levels that have me a little concerned. I have even envisioned myself beating a person (that I have known a very long time and love) black and blue in the face-- just to let them know how angry I am. In my split-second fantasy, I felt no remorse! That scared me tonight to the point of facing my anger, and telling God how powerless I feel against it. I started to confess that I think I know better than God how things ought to be.

I still couldn't sleep, and every few minutes the first stanza of this poem repeated in my head. 

So I wrote it, in hopes to find some rest. I hope you enjoy (if you read it at all).


----

"Better; then God."

I,
you,
he and she,
they, and
we all think we know better;
then God.

Maybe
if all stuff would change, go
according to my likes,
and stop challenging my every inkling;

maybe
if I would surrender,
cease fighting your preference,
and follow your thinking;

maybe
if people were like you
and I, would refuse their selfish ways
to try another vantage;

maybe
if all there was to do
was have our way always;
then God would figure it out.

We know better.
At least,
we ought to.

Surely
my tastes will change,
as well as my thoughts;

my will will wane
while your tastes change
like our thoughts;

people are all ready,
like us, for someone
to see it through their eyes;

our way always
would find us surprised...

...then,
God.

-----



LOVE.
-Ape-

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