Open a new tab. Go to http://soulill.bandcamp.com . Click the picture of the man with the baby. Click the play icon for the first track... and then come back here and continue reading.
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A new blog. A new day.
Things have been rough, but I'm feeling better.
I'm jobless, going on 1 solid month. Late on rent.
But I'm feeling better.
Maybe I have a false sense of "better," that is dependent on my twisted perception of "success."
Or, maybe things are getting better.
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Tonight, I was a featured guest on http://kouvradio.com. My new single (http://soulill.bandcamp.com) got some play. I got to freestyle with a couple emcees live on interweb radio. We had something like 15 for sure listeners.
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When I finished mixing "Rich Pauper, Poor Prince," I wasn't all that impressed. After I showed it to a couple musician friends, and after they complimented the mix, I was suddenly aware that I had really done a decent job. I became so eager to release this new marvel. I wanted the world to bear witness. And it's probably a good thing I got a little hype around it. It's motivated me to push forward with this so-called passion of mine. This: music.
And I still have doubts. I wonder if I will get up to two sales by next week. It's only $2 and you can get the instrumental with it. If it's really that good (which I keep hearing...) that should be no problem, right? I don't really know.
My ego kicks in, and I have this wrestling match inside. "I could have done better." "These people are just my friends. That's why they say it's good." "What's wrong with people? Why hasn't anyone bought this?" "What kind of friends do I even have?" And it gets worse.
And then, even as I'm typing, I realize how little that stuff matters. I started this because I wanted to spread the Truth. And i wanted to do it in a way that was accessible. I wanted to be just me, open, vulnerable, and real; and hopefully convince some people to see Jesus. If not in me, then through me. Or even around me. Or vastly far away from me. But, hopefully, to see Him nonetheless. To see Him as He really is, and not as I imagine to know Him.
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It felt good to get that out.Maybe I'm feeling better because I see my wife and I actually working on our relationship... consciously, and actively. Maybe things really are better.
I keep fighting the idea that it's all just a show we're putting on to avoid dealing with some ugly so-called truth about our relationship. This repulsive idea that we are wasting each other's time or that we're wasting our own. It's a substantial portion of the giant looming shadow over my shoulder.
I sometimes wonder what would happen if I turned a MAG-LITE on that shadow. If I could shine a huge light into it, what part of it would be real, and what part would vanish?
My honest guess is that most of it would be gone with even the smallest LED. Even one that was only lit at half it's potential.
Why do I box with my shadows? Why not hit the light switch on? Selah.
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I've got the word out to about 20 different blog sites. I read a tweet from Lisa Davis (some A&R I follow on Twitter) that said an artist should get their music out to at least 100 blogs. And then, expect about 10-20 of them to cover it.
Whew!
Makes me think I should get a publicist.
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I'm pretty excited for what's around the bend. With family. With music... I don't see much hope in my relationship with God. But, I feel something changing... And I'm holding on, even to what I can't see.
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Right now, some drunken fool is "hoo hooooooing" outside. I'd like to borrow his voice box for a few hours. Maybe accidentally lose it somewhere.
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I'm off to catch the MAX train in about 3.5 hours. The diapers just finished drying, so I can put my dirties in and take a shower before I nap. The wife let me know a while ago that I won't be getting one on the train.
We have a WEEZER CONCERT TO GO TO TOMORROW! I hope I can maintain for the night! I'm pretty stoked about this. We might try to go dressed as Buddy Holly and Mary Tyler Moore. Depends if we can find her a good shirt and figure out what I should wear, too.
Ahhh... my head is ready for the pillow.
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I hope my scattered blogs provide some entertainment for you readers. Welcome to my thoughts translated via keystroke. I hope your ____ goes well.
Let me know how you like Rich Pauper, Poor Prince!
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