Inner Sessions... The hours, the days, the weeks...

Okay. Where do I start?


In December of 2007, I proposed to a friend (who was apparently my girlfriend at the time), and was engaged. We broke up just before what would have been our 1 year anniversary. The cause of separation? Well, I think a lot of things came into play.

I felt too much pressure. I think that's the biggest reason. I knew that I needed to be working on music. Pushing, pushing, pushing forward. I had never worked for it like this. I still don't feel like I'm accomplishing enough! But, there was always a competition in her mind between the amount of time I could spend with her and the amount of time I spent working on creating music, networking, booking shows, etc. Thing is, I wasn't getting any of that done. I was sacrificing it to be with her. And that wasn't enough. People would try to tell me "well, if you are going to marry her, she needs to come first." Yeah, that's true. And you should tell her the same thing.

So, when it boils down, I'm not going to marry her. Bluntly as it may have to be put, that's the only way out of that situation.

There is more. There is a lot that I did that wasn't up to par. Out of my frustration, my pent-up feelings, and all that; I did some things no one should have ever done. In the end, it was my decision to break up. So, I guess that settles that.

On to the more recent junk...

I booked a flight to NY on a last minute tip. I wanted to attend this YWAM NY alumni shindig. Ten years or something to that extent. I didn't even know what the schedule was. I just showed up. No one even expected me. I made a few phone calls from the airport on Thursday night, but no one was answering! Finally I got a hold of Johnny Koslowski who, I must say, was amazingly gracious in picking me up and finding a place for me to stay!

Friday was awkward. YWAM NY is where I met Michelle (my ex fiance/ex girlfriend/... friend?). Most of the people there are more familiar with her because she lived there for 2-3 years while I was only there for a few months at a time (plus a couple visits). Most people treated me as though I was family. I think most of them realized that there was more going on than they could assess by hearsay. They probably didn't want to pry, either. So, I received a fairly warm welcome.

There were, however, a couple people whose body language let me know that I was not in their highest regards.

I even received a letter from one "friend" that let me know they were upset with me for hurting Michelle. They told me that I needed to avoid contact with her. Here's a paragraph:

"on my part, and for what it's worth, i'm choosing forgiveness. i don't know that this means anything to you, but it's true nonetheless. i'm not judging you, b/c that's not my place to do. i am, however, very wary of you. i don't want you to be in contact with michelle anymore, b/c you only continue to hurt her. yes, clearly i can see that you have an issue in this area that you need to work through. and hopefully, someday, you are able to overcome it. in the meantime, choose to be unselfish, and stay away from michelle. and should you choose to revisit new york any time soon, do not be surprised if the welcome is less than hardy."


I wanted to scream at that person. "You don't even know me! You know one side of the situation! You have never tried to get to know me! SHUT UP!!!" But, I didn't. I didn't even send my response to the letter. I wrote one out, you can believe that. But, the Holy Spirit has his way of convicting me. I knew that if I sent what I had written, things would most likely get blown even more out of proportion.

I got another letter today. It basically expressed that my friend didn't mean to come off so condescendingly. Excerpt:

"i'm not taking back anything i said before, but i really just want you to know where i'm coming from."

Okay.

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Wow, I sure have a lot to blog.

Saturday morning (4am!), I left the house where I had stayed and carried my bags (heavy) a few blocks to the train station. What a walk. I think my back still hurts from that!

At the tracks, I talked to a drunken man holding hot coffee who told me about people who were "trying to screw me over!" I told him that I know one person who was looking out for him. He asked who. I said Christ. I told him Christ died for the people that no one else would look out for. He lit up! He knew what I meant, and before I knew it, he was quoting scripture to me! The Lord had told me a few moments before that this guy was "in." He wasn't all there, maybe. But he's a brother in the Lord, and I loved him very much for it!

Train ride from Smithtown to Jamaica. Walk slowly (carrying my HEAVY BAGS! woe is me) through about 3 extra cars. Transfer trains. Train ride from Jamaica to Penn Station. RUN (carrying heavy bags) to the Amtrak train (probably ran about a block or so in total-- up three flights of stairs, around some corners, and down two more flights of stairs.)! Ride to PA.

And I've been here in PA working on an album with Hip Hop MC and good friend BillyBo. The project is called Inner Sessions. The album is called Inner Seed. The artwork is amazing. The production is phenomenal. The MC's are astounding. The combination is perfect.

Since I spent so much time writing this, I suppose I'll write about my visit here when I get home, or maybe when I'm on the train or the plane or ... you feel me.

For now, check out a couple pictures...